I have come such an incredibly long way since the first time I wrote a post on this blog.
In the past, I didn't use to believe that people could actually change. I knew they could, as I had frequently done myself, make some attempt at a permanent change that would last a while. But real change -- the kind that really lasts -- I thought was impossible. Well, that may not be entirely true. I'm not sure how much I really thought of people, and their ability to change, in general, as much as I thought about my own ability to make a permanent change. Regardless, I was convinced deep down inside that I would not be able to change.
These days, I don't really know if the source of my problems was depression or something else. Depression is supposed to be the ailment of the intelligent, and it would be very neat to imagine oneself as incredibly intelligent, and thus be able to lay the blame on how one has been cursed with the ability to contemplate life too thoroughly. But that's just bullshit, I think. I know I am intelligent, and due to this very fact it is the diametric opposite of my nature to allow myself to simply lay the blame at the feet of the fact that I think I have attained above average intelligence through my lifespan. That's like saying you're too good at something to succeed at it, without implying that succeeding at life only requires you to be intelligent.
But before I digress: I have come a long way. I have truly made a change. I have been able to change the things that I have the power to change, and gained the inner peace required to come to terms with the things that I know I cannot change. I have made so many incredible friends, and I have succeeded at pretty much every undertaking I have involved myself in.
On top of that, I have met a new girl. There was a time where I was unsure if this would ever happen, but lo' and behold. And oh my god, what a creature.
I have, in a way, a high standard for potential partners. I am not content with the average Jane that looks, behaves and thinks like everyone else. I need something different. Something refreshing. Someone with intellect, an opinion and a certain view of the world; if it is a bit different than my own, that is even better; it could give me a new perspective on things.
This girl is everything I could ever have wished for. She is beautiful beyond belief, and it really took me a couple of weeks to even come to terms with the fact that a girl this incredibly beautiful could ever even spare more than a glance for someone like me. On top of that, she is incredibly intelligent and funny, and her world view is ... refreshing. Revitalizing? I'm not sure how to describe it, to be honest. All I know is that it talking to her, and seeing the world from her perspective feels like I am exploring a side of myself that I didn't know I had; it really is a breath of fresh air. She helps me see and enjoy the small things in life, which is something I hope I will be able to keep with me for the rest of my life, regardless of how long this lasts.
During my physics exam, I was, among other things, required to discuss a picture from the Hubble telescope. The telescope had been pointed at a blank spot in the night sky for about 11.5 days, and the resulting picture showed dozens of galaxies. In this blank spot, there was beauty we couldn't even have imagined was there.
I couldn't help but think of her when I saw this picture. If you watch the stars during a clear summer night, it is beautiful, eve at first glance. This applies to her as well. I thought she was beautiful from the first moment I saw her. When she smiles, it's like the sun rose for the first time, and you realize up until the point where you saw her smile, you have lived your entire life in darkness. Her incredibly blue eyes light up in a way you didn't know was possible until you saw it happen when she smiled. The warmth of her smile is probably measurable with scientific equipment.
As it is with the sky, which is beautiful at first glance, and then seems to hold beauty "between the cracks" that you can only see if you look really hard, she has only proven to be more beautiful the closer I have looked, and the more I have gotten to know her.
Her external beauty is a subject for books and poems that I do not have the ability to write properly, unfortunately. But the beauty of her personality is beyond comprehension. She is very possibly the most wonderful human being I have ever met. It eludes me completely and entirely and proves my vocabulary to be completely inadequate when I even make an attempt to describe her. If I wasn't too busy enjoying the company of this fascinating woman, I would be skeptically waiting for some dark side of her to show itself, as it should not be possible to be this wonderful.
Everything she does is beautiful. The way she laughs. The way she tries to pronounce the Icelandic "r" sound. The way she widens her eyes when she looks at me during a debate. The way she chastises me in a somewhat non-serious manner when I throw trash on the ground, but not really, because she really cares about nature, and-how-momma-bird-can-choke-on-that-and-die-and-her-children-will-die-because-they-don't-get-any-food. The way she doesn't indiscriminately kill some random insect that sets down on her arm, because it, too, has the right to live. The way she is content to be alone with her own thoughts; how she will go to a secluded place in nature, just to think and enjoy the view, the sounds and the smells. The way her temper flares if she feel she has been wronged, and also how she makes up for it with the most unbelievable gestures of affection if she realizes that she was wrong, or just to .. make up, regardless of who was wrong. The fact that she somehow manages to laugh at my dumb jokes and stupid antics. How she likes to repeat the same words of wisdom in almost every possible situation. The fact that she has no idea whatsoever how beautiful she is.
I could really go on forever.
The reason I mention this girl is because she has, in spite of the short while I have been with her, shown me that I am worth something. I have spent these two years trying to change; trying to become a better man. I have felt at times that I have succeeded, but I have not really been sure. I have regressed a few times, and felt like I have been close to a downward spiral that could potentially lead to my old self-destructive pattern. But this girl has shown me that if someone as incomprehensibly incredible such as her can see something of worth in me, I must be on the right path. I must have done, and be doing, something right.
Yeah, life is good these days. It's supposed to have its ups and downs, but I am too busy enjoying every moment right now to be pessimistic about the future.